Excuse Me While I Vent

I had a nice long post just minutes before that you missed. It would have been around two or three pages long if printed out, and jumped around so much I’d have to hand out a road map so you could keep up. Instead of posting that long, meandering blog article, though, I figure I would just put on my big-boy pants and “man-up” to the situation.

What situation?

Well, about 12 years ago, my doctor at the time diagnosed me as having depression. I was going through a rough patch in my life and was down and out emotionally. I went to work one night (I worked 3rd shift) and had to leave because I broke down and just started crying. Not very manly, I know, but I have always been a bit emotional – I just cover it up with sarcasm when speaking and walk around with a serious looking frown on my face, which normally steers people clear of me. Anyways, that wasn’t a good night. Shortly after that I visited my doctor, and thus began my adventures with various anti-depression prescriptions.

One thing I am is hard headed. I also don’t like to admit I need help when I really do. So, after several months of taking the anti-depression medications, when I would start feeling better, I would ignore the doctors advice and stop taking the pills. This would work great for a while, but then I would eventually fall back into the same routine where I’d start having issues coping. The problem since that first break down though is that instead of crying, I become extremely agitated, angry and have some pretty violent thoughts. My blood pressure shoots up, my head feels like it is going to explode because I have so much going on inside my brain – thought wise – and it can’t or won’t come out. All these thoughts are bouncing around and bumping into one another and as I keep adding to them the space starts filling up until there seems to be no room to move and it feels like I’m ready to burst.

For those that have never experienced depression to this degree, I know I must sound like a maniac. I’m not, really! I’m married, have a wonderful son, have a good job that I love and even work with one or two people that I can tolerate for short period of time. But even though I know how my cycle goes – from pill, to feeling better, to no pill, to doing great right back to depression again – I still do it. I don’t know why. I tell myself each time that I will continue to take the medication no matter what, but then one day I’ll forget. I’ll take it the next day and say it won’t happen again. Then I’ll forget again, and so on and so forth until it starts becoming hard to concentrate, which is the first sign that I’m losing control. But even then I don’t act. For some reason, I always put it off and wait, hoping it will turn back around and get better.

Which is where I am at right now. I (I know, there are a lot of “I”s in this blog post. I’m sorry. Doh! There I go again. Ack! Stop it!)

I am at the breaking point for the first time in two years. My wife is going to schedule me a doctor’s visit tomorrow – well, actually later this morning – and then I’ll have to explain to the doctor I haven’t seen in two years why I haven’t been taking my medicine. Oh the joys! But it works. And even though my fabulous wife doesn’t believe in “depression” as an actual illness, she acknowledges that I do have my moments. She tells me it is in my head, but that a stronger person could deal with it and not let it affect them. Maybe, but all I know is that I know how I feel, and it isn’t something I can just push away and forget about. For the folks that can stand up and say without a doubt that depression is another illness that doesn’t really exist, I say to them that they are lucky they had never experienced it. It can be a scary thing if you don’t know how to maintain some iota of control.

But, here I go turning this into another big blog post. I’m not one for long blog posts, especially about something serious and so personal. But I needed to vent about this because, if I don’t get it under control soon, I can honestly see me losing my job. So, please, if you pray, I’d like to ask you to add me to your prayers. If you don’t pray, then at least send me some good thoughts. I’d appreciate either or at this point. And thanks for reading my blog post – assuming you’ve made it this far. If you think I’m nuts, I’m sorry to ruin any notions you might have had about me. If you already know me and knew I was nuts to start with, then you may be even more surprised by the fact that I have opened up a bit here. I normally tend to keep to myself about things like this, instead expressing myself through self-degredating humor or sarcasm. All I can say is, sometimes I’m a great actor. I can pretend to be happy when I’m not just because I don’t want to bring anyone else down.

Good night, folks. I’ll see you later.

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One thought on “Excuse Me While I Vent

  1. James i am sending lots of positive thoughts your way man! Prayers, light, love whatever you need. I have a great problem with anxiety. I understand how you feel as far as everyone saying it is not real. I also understand the medication part. i feel medication would destroy me even if i do feel better. I think you are very brave and hope you find a way to feel better and keep with it.

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