There’s a lot going on in my life right now. That’s not to downplay events going on in other people’s lives, of course. Just a statement from me about my own personal experiences. My family, too, has stuff and things going on because, well, we’re all in the same boat. It isn’t anything horrible or life threatening, but there are events transpiring that we could do without. As a result of these events, my wife has taken on some extra duties, I’ve picked up some significant overtime at work (while it’s available), and our kids are hanging in there while we chug along. Our oldest son is back to school (home school, that is), a sixth grader this year. Our youngest is ransacking the house and taking advantage of being the youngest.
On a more personal level, pulling back and being selfish for a moment, I’d like to talk about myself. I say selfish, but, hey, it’s my blog, darn it! I kid! I kid …
I think it was already well in play when I mentioned a post or two back about “that other guy,” and going in to work and finally having had enough. I met my former self that day for the first time in some years. Didn’t like the guy, as you already know from that particular post. But that wasn’t the end of my moment, I’ll call it. Since that Friday, I’ve been in a sort of mood mixture. A bit of depression/anxiety/meditation/prayer/reflection. I’ve just been flipping through a bunch of different thoughts and emotions and trying to work out what I’m suppose to be doing in life.
We won’t call it a mid-life crisis, since I’m only 39. I’d prefer to call it, reaching the fork in the road.
I’ll be 40 next month. No, I’m not the first or last person to hit The Big 4-0, but at my current point in life, it seems like a gigantic milestone. A milestone that I’m not really looking forward to. This blog hasn’t really helped me accept it, either. I look back at all the potentially life-changing blog posts I’ve written about life, weight loss, broadening my horizons, and I realize how I’ve come up short on all of those things. That’s not to say I’m not proud of other aspects of my life, not at all! I have two awesome kids, a good job (that has a questionable future), and a wife that has stuck with me through thick and thin – though we may have other issues that need to be ironed out. In other words, It isn’t anything in my “outside” world that is causing me to pause in reflection. It’s the “inside” of my world that’s causing me to falter a bit and wonder where I misstepped.
In all truthfulness, I took the wrong steps by being dismissive and lazy. I wrote strong worded posts but then ignored them and stuffed my face with the closes back of Nacho Cheese Doritos. They were tasty, but they’re not something I want to carry into my 40’s with. So, here I am with this blog post. At a fork in the road with two paths to choose from. On the right, I have the same road I’ve been on. It’s a continuation of Lazy Lane, and it’ll continue to carry me on to the same end results. But, over on the left, we have Rocky Road, which has the potential to take the long way around and make me arrive in a better place, but with more work, sweat, blood and tears.
The answer is obvious, of course. Who in their right mind would take Lazy Lane, right? No sane person is going to write a blog post about how they want to continue failing on a personal level, gaining weight to equal a VW Beetle and ending their life in a fast food induced heart attack. That’d be stupid. No, it’d be worse. It would be akin to suicide, I think. So the correct answer has always been Rocky Road. Right?
I know what you’re saying: “But, James, you’ve pleaded this case hundreds of times before and never done anything about it. You lazy !@#$%%!@#$.” And you’re right! No denying the truth, it’s all here in black and white, categorized by day, month and year. So what makes this any more special than the other 15 dozen posts about change?
Just that I’ve reached that fork and have no where else to go. I either succeed or fail. I’ve already reached an emotional point of no return, a physical point of morbid failure, and a spiritually broken wheel that can’t stand another turn without fear of breaking the axle. So, there it is. Here it is. Here I am.
Once more, unto the breach.